Potty Mouth

poopies & prose.




9:16 a.m. Tuesday

The cleaning staff should know better, really.

On the mornings when I replace my coffee with a sugar free redbull it wrecks my digestive system and an hour after I finish the drink, my lower intestine is quivering. Delicious.

The farts are SO loud and SO forceful it’s hilarious.

No one you know shidoobies this hard. NO ONE.

-Shidoobie Queen

3:10 p.m. Thursday

My body is not reacting to the delicious organic juice I consumed in a favorable way.

Lessen learned, I will not attempt a healthy choice without considering the consequences after ingesting it.

5:10 p.m. Wednesday

Please, if I start peeing while you’re washing your hands hurry up so I don’t have to miss happy hour waiting for your stupid ass to primp yourself. Ugh!

4:34 p.m. Tuesday

By the looks of things every female on the second floor is on their period.

Call me an asshole but I really hate it when women don’t have the decency to close the goddamn lid on the sanitary napkin/tampon container nailed to every stall.

I, for one, do NOT enjoy seeing/smelling the remnants of your menstrual cycle. Call me crazy!

Gross.

I’m out.

-Shidoobie Queen

11:04 a.m. Monday

How do these noises come out of me?

Seriously I make the second floor ladies room sound like a farting sound board at least two of the five days I’m here.

Speaking of farts, I’m noticing nothing substantial is following the thunderous noises. This is absolutely ridiculous, I am laughing too hard right now.

We’re moving to a high class office space in a few weeks. I only hope my shidoobies are as enjoyable there as they have been here (jk).

Shidoobie Queen

4:08 p.m. Friday

Twice? In a day?

Instead of sitting at my desk and holding in the terrible indigestion that happens around this time, EVERYDAY, my body threw me a curveball. That curveball being the massive shit I am currently taking right now.

Usually my body has nothing better to do than get fat and cause massive insecurities on my part but this time I’m actually delighted that there WAS a massive shit behind that terrible indigestion.

Indigestion: 0 Massive shidoobie: 1

Have a great weekend!

Shidoobie Queen

9:33 a.m. Friday

Yes! It’s Friday!

I had really tasty pizza at Mellow Mushroom in Tempe last night but mannnnnnn does that shit make me constipated the next day.

Pump and dump. Is that a derogatory sex term or something? I feel like it might be. I feel like I’m pushing out a small child and not a shidoobie anyway. This is surely going to lead to a hemorrhoid. Or several.

Ahhhh. Good one Friday. This was a great finish to a disappointing start.

Shidoobie Queen

3:18 p.m. Thursday

Is it Friday yet?

A few unfortunate things happened this past week but my shidoobies have not disappointed me in the least.

In fact, my pooping situations at work have been pretty awesome, the exception being the huge fart I just let out in front of someone that just walked into the ladies room.

Isn’t that the worst? When you think you’re letting a turd out silently and then a huge WHOMP comes out of your ass? It’s way embarrassing to say the least…

My Thursday’s almost over and tomorrow is going to be the gateway to a weekend of fun fun fun.

-Shidoobie Queen

2:33 p.m. Tuesday

Had to take a personal day yesterday.

I’m so busy I’m surprised I could pinch this log off to begin with.

Damn, just when I think I’m good, someone walks in. That’s what I get for not making the trek to the 5th floor.

Until next time…

Shidoobie Queen

2:41 p.m. Wednesday

I’m really happy that my colleagues enjoy pooping/talking about pooping as much as I do. This, is exceedingly hard to find when working with people that aren’t in your direct peer group.

Regardless, here’s today’s dilemma:

I ate nothing except a handful of granola this morning, following a super tiny cup of cold coffee (ugh). I was STARVING but had no time to do anything (this is quickly becoming a pattern) so instead of taking 5 minutes to eat an apple or something a little more substantial, I didn’t and my body reacted by giving me terrible gas.

Double ugh.

Needless to say, I held those farts in like it was my job (it kind of is).

Now I’m unleashing the fury a couple of hours after eating a mediocre spinach salad (raw spinach is great for your shidoobies) for lunch. At least I’m alone and at least I’m on the fifth floor.

All is right in my world.

-Shidoobie Queen